How to get over the death of a loved one? 4 keys to coping with grief

Life is full of moments of light and joy, although at some point we all come across its darkest part, the one that has to do with the pain and loss of other people. Faced with these situations of loss, a psychological process known as grief is activated in all individuals..

The loss of any kind will always be followed by this experience, although its intensity and characteristics will be variable depending on the emotional bond that was had with that person, the nature of the loss and even the way of being and personal history. each. Although as a general rule we talk about mourning in association with death, we can also go through this process when we experience emotional breakups, lose a job, get sick, etc.

The loss of a loved one and grief: how to deal with it?

However, there is no doubt that The death of a loved one is one of the most painful experiences a human being can experience.. The pain can become unbearable, but the truth is that this psychological response is natural and expected when we lose someone with whom we were very emotionally attached. Unfortunately, there is no magic formula that allows those who experience grief to shake off their deep sadness. However, it is possible to implement some mechanisms and activities that can facilitate the grieving process.

Grief is the price to pay for having loved a person, so fighting against the pain or trying to cancel it makes no sense. Accepting that we need time to work through the loss and allowing ourselves to be sad is essential to healthy grief.

There is no doubt that each person is different, so the way to manage the loss can vary greatly from one person to another. That is why there are no deadlines or correct ways to prepare a loss. However, professionals often set a one-year period as a baseline from which a person may need professional help to move forward if they have shown no improvement.

In this article we are going to talk about grief, the types of grief that exist, the phases that make up this process and what keys can help you cope in the best way possible.

What types of grief exist?

As we have been commenting, grief is a process that is triggered in situations of loss, such as the death of a loved one. Although we usually talk about grief in general, the truth is that there are different types:

Normal grief is one that starts immediately after loss. The person feels shocked, cries frequently, expresses repetitive thoughts about what happened, etc. As we mentioned before, there are no exact recovery times, since these vary a lot from person to person. However, if a year has passed and you have not seen improvement, it is advisable to see a mental health professional.

this kind of duel occurs before the loss has taken place. It is especially frequent in those cases in which an incurable disease has been diagnosed. In this way, the person prepares in advance for the moment of death, since he knows that this loss is inevitable. In this type of scenario, death is lived in a much calmer way and can even be a relief, since the duel has been elaborated while the person was alive. Thus, when the loved one is no longer there, the suffering seems to subside and the person can move forward in her life.

In this type of grief, the symptoms are maintained over the months and years with intensity, coming to interfere in all levels of a person's life: work, social, family, etc. Life seems to have stopped after the loss and the mourning has not been carried out in a healthy way. In these cases, the help of a mental health professional is necessary.

This type of grief is characterized by the fact that the person cannot process the loss adequately or manifest pain normally. This type of process occurs in very particular cases, such as the disappearance of a loved one.

What are the stages (phases) of grief?

Usually, in the grieving process, different stages can be differentiated, each one with its own particular characteristics. They are the following:

• Denial: In the first moments after the loss, the person cannot believe what has happened, they need time to process what has happened.
• Go to: Once what has happened has been accepted, anger often appears, due to the impotence generated by the situation.
• Negotiation: In this phase, the person begins to come into contact with the reality of the loss, although at the same time he tries to try to reverse the situation. This can happen, for example, in people diagnosed with a terminal illness who insist on seeking treatment alternatives.
• Depression: In this phase we begin to ask ourselves existential questions as a result of the loss. The death of a loved one can help us reorder our priorities, value real and not superficial relationships more, think about what makes us truly happy, etc.
• Acceptance: The person ends up accepting the pain and loss and begins to resume his life with a certain normality. For example, going back to work, meeting friends, etc.

What are the keys to coping with the death of a loved one?

Grief after loss is natural, so it can't be made to go away all of a sudden. However, some keys can be very helpful in handling grief in a healthy and harmonious way.

1. Accept the reality of the loss

The first thing to do once the loss has occurred is to fully face the reality that the person has passed away, gone and will not return. That is to say, it is important to overcome that barrier of initial disbelief. Denying the loss is an obstacle to adequately working through what has happened. There are those who express this denial by getting rid of everything related to the deceased person, others harbor hope that he will return...

In any case, these ways of handling the situation indicate that the duel is not going to go through in a healthy way. It is advisable to give yourself time, and it may be helpful to participate in the farewell rituals (mortuary, funeral...) since this allows you to become aware that that person has died. In some cases, such as deaths in the COVID-19 pandemic or missing persons, this first step is not possible, so it is expected that the mourning will be more complicated than normal.

2. Express the pain

Although each person expresses their pain in a different way, it is impossible to experience the loss of a loved one without experiencing it. To experience healthy grief, it is essential to recognize and connect with your own pain. Loss has an undeniable impact on us and permeates us even in a physical sense, so it is not uncommon for somatizations to appear in those who have lost someone dear to them.

It is essential to give yourself permission to experience that pain, since suppressing and hiding what we feel behind a curtain of normality will only serve to make the grieving process chronic, lengthen and complicate it.. Many people who have not correctly closed their losses develop problems such as depression, anxiety or substance use, so it is crucial to do this exercise of expression and emotional ventilation.

In our society, expressing and experiencing pain is stigmatized, since the opposite of happiness is always perceived as pathological. However, it is highly recommended to take refuge in spaces and people that legitimize unpleasant emotions in order to grieve properly.

3. Adapt to the environment in which the deceased is not

Working through grief requires adapting to a new reality in which that person is no longer there. That is to say, his role must be occupied by another person or he will simply be dispensed with. All this also forces the person who is grieving to rethink their own life and existential meaning of it.

This point requires The person learns to relate in a new and different way with the world around him. surrounds. Loss allows us to explore a new vital meaning at all levels, from everyday tasks to the most spiritual and deepest aspects.

After the death of that person, daily tasks, relationships with others, etc. must be gradually resumed. It is important to find a sense of life, to reflect on who you are after what has happened... In short, to find the space in which to connect in this new world where the other is not.

4. Emotionally relocate the deceased and continue living

This task requires the person to find emotional space for their deceased loved one. Sometimes, complicated or pathological grief causes the person to remain anchored in the attachment that he had with the deceased, which prevents him from forming new relationships with others.

To properly grieve, it is important to maintain a balance between feeling affection for that person who left and creating bonds with the people around you. Definitely, building a solid social network is another element of great help for those who are grieving.