The 4 differences between attachment and love (explained)

We have all felt love at some point in our lives. in any of its forms. The love for our family, for our animals, for friends, for the couple and, why not, for oneself. That feeling of deep affection towards others is essential to feel good, since as social beings we need to love and be loved by those around us.

The love of a couple is undoubtedly one of the most curious has always generated, since components of intense emotional and sexual attraction towards a particular person come into play. Although the first moments of romantic love are always idyllic, it can be difficult to sustain over time.

In love there is nothing black or white and it is not always easy to recognize when a relationship has ceased to be what it was. Many sentimental relationships are maintained despite the fact that love has ended due to fear, habit or emotional dependency. There is no doubt that when a couple is based on any of these aspects, we cannot speak of a healthy relationship.

Couples, love and attachment

Differentiating attachment from love is not, contrary to what it may seem, a simple task. In general terms, we could say that attachment is that bond that we form with the other person over time, by which we feel safe or apparently calm with them, even when there is no longer falling in love. In other words, attachment is the glue that holds together many couples who are no longer in love due to the weight of habit and the fear of loneliness.

Although it is true that falling in love is a passing stage, that does not mean that stable relationships should be monotonous or unstimulating. Stable mature love transforms and becomes calmer, but the chemistry and spark must always remain.. Therefore, it is wrong to assume as normal that there is no connection in those relationships that have been maintained for years. In that case we are not talking about real love, but about attachment. In this article we will try to know the essential differences between attachment and love in order not to confuse them.

What is love?

From the psychological point of view, love can be defined as an affective experience made up of several variables. Among them, the need for bonding, intimacy, passion, etc. stands out. Added to this, it is known that there are a series of biological correlates in the process of falling in love. The butterflies in the stomach and the excitement of the beginning are the product of the chemical whirlwind in our body, which triggers the levels of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin...

Defining love in a universal way is especially complicated, since it is an abstract concept. However, some authors have proposed models to better understand it. One of the best known is Robert Sternberg's Triangular Theory, who argues that The three pillars of love as a couple are intimacy, passion and commitment..

What is attachment?

Attachment is defined in psychology as an intense and lasting affective bond that develops and consolidates between two individuals through their reciprocal interactions.. The primary and immediate objective of this mechanism is to seek and maintain proximity in moments of threat in order to obtain protection, security and comfort.

Attachment is something we experience from the moment we are born. The first and most decisive attachment for our later well-being is the one we form with our care figures, mainly our parents. Intense attachment is normal in the first moments of life, since at that moment we are totally defenseless. Over time, this bond matures and allows for greater independence in exploring the world.

The bond of attachment is not, however, something exclusive to the relationship with our parents. As we become adults, we form new attachments, and we may even strengthen or lose existing ones. In other words, attachment is the way in which human beings bond with the people around us, including their partner.

Love and attachment: how are they different?

As we have been commenting, differentiating attachment from love is not always a simple task. However, here we are going to collect some of the key differences to avoid confusion.

1. Love stimulates the growth of the couple, attachment hinders it

When there is a sincere love between two individuals, it always acts as a motor so that both can grow and fulfill their personal goals. The two enjoy their individuality but support each other as a team where they can share the failures, the joys and, ultimately, communicate in an open way. In other words, we could say that love allows you to get the best out of each member of the relationship, so that there is a reciprocal impulse that helps both to grow and be happy together.

On the contrary, attachment tends to generate relationships of dependency.. Usually, people who base their relationships on their need for attachment and not on love tend to put the wishes and needs of the other before their own. Sometimes, they can demand the same from their partner to do the same, so they demand their affection and time in an absorbing way. This dynamic contributes to emotional dependency, which is incompatible with maintaining a healthy relationship. Far from promoting growth, a stagnation usually occurs that ends up eroding the relationship.

2. Love is selfless, attachment can make us selfish

In love there are no secondary interests, because it is a sincere and transparent feeling. We feel happy giving affection to the other person and receiving a reciprocal response from her. Attachment can be dangerous in this sense, since it can often lead to demanding more from the partner than they can give.

People who base their romantic relationship on attachment need more and more attention, ignoring what the other member of the couple wants or needs. All this can be very exhausting over time. Let's say that it is something like tightening a rope to the point that it can break. Love remains in the background because it primarily seeks to satisfy that need to feel cared for, cared for, etc.

3. Love is free, attachment leads to control

Real love is one that allows the members of the couple to be themselves, so that they can feel happy and fulfilled.. When a couple loves each other in a healthy way, there is a solid foundation of security and trust, so the relationship is a support for growth rather than an obstacle. True love does not have to be eternal. In fact, loving a person well also implies knowing when it is better to let go to avoid hurting each other.

Instead, attachment can be quite a problem for a relationship. When it is the attachment that sustains the couple, it can prevent each of the two from acting and living freely and growing individually apart from the other. People who remain in a relationship to satisfy their bonding need may end up forgetting about themselves. In this way, they become what the other expects them to be for fear of abandonment. Almost without realizing it, they follow their lifestyle, their rules... Instead of trust and care, the fear of being abandoned or not accepted prevails.

4. Love is trust, attachment can cause anxiety

In line with the above, it is important to point out that the fear of abandonment that can appear when what prevails is attachment can generate a lot of anxiety. Although in popular culture love is often associated with nerves and anxiety about being with the other person, true love has nothing to do with this. Love is based on trust and when the basis of the relationship is adequate there is no fear of abandonment, but peace and tranquility..

In healthy couples based on the feeling of love, there is certainty that this reciprocity exists, so time together is enjoyed without losing sight of the individuality and the world of each one. Thus, it is not necessary to live the relationship in an absorbing way because there is, above all, security.

Conclusions

In this article we have talked about the differences between attachment and love. Both concepts are often confused, although they are totally different. Love is an affective experience in which intimacy, passion, the desire to be with the other person, etc.

Attachment, however, is a form of intense bonding that is formed between two individuals through reciprocal interactions, with the ultimate goal of seeking and maintaining proximity to that person and thus feeling security and protection. In couple relationships it is important that the basis is real love. There are people who continue their relationship out of pure attachment, since they fear loneliness or confuse the tranquility of attachment with real love..